Femme Fatales 01x11 Till Death Do Us Part Original Air Date on July 22, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Baby, when did you get here?
♪ I've got my eye on you ♪
♪ And I'm hooked, dear, too ♪
♪ Your fooling around's ♪
♪ Getting blood on my shoes, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa ♪
♪ I've set my sights on you ♪
♪ I've got an alibi, too ♪
♪ So don't look around ♪
♪ I've got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Whoa-oa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa ♪
♪ Whoa-oa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa ♪
Aloha.
I see you've met Rachel Worth.
Poor thing.
Can you believe it's her wedding day?
Certainly not a very auspicious start.
A bride needs something borrowed,
something blue,
but certainly not something dead.
I guess the silver lining in all of this
is the corpse is not the man she's planning to marry.
But with her ceremony
on a private beach near Waikiki
looming in six hours,
she best fix this little hiccup that's threatening her big day.
Otherwise, there could very well be a whole new meaning
to the phrase, "Till death do us part."
Phone. Phone.
Where's my fucking phone?
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Cam! Cam, it's me!
Come to the house! ♪
Babe, are you okay? I can't hear.
There's no reception, and the music's too loud.
Listen, my bachelor party's still going on, but I promise--
Don't worry. I'll be sober by the morn--
Cam. Cam!
Really? That's funny?
You made out with a tranny last night.
Okay.
Please tell me we still get to have sex like that
after we're married.
We better.
It's a husband's duty to please his woman.
Oh, really? Uh-huh.
I can't believe by this time tomorrow
we're going to be Mr. and Mrs. Cam Engelhardt.
Finally. I thought we were gonna
have to get you new business cards made up.
"Cam Engelhardt, Corporate Attorney,
Commitment Phobe."
Well, after tonight, I'm all yours.
Ah-ah-ah. Just remember.
We agreed. One lap dance.
Yeah, about that.
How about one lap dance and a B.J.?
I'm a lawyer. I negotiate.
It's what I do. It's all so tacky.
Oh, I hope they don't get a stripper.
I just want to sit by the pool and relax
and miss you.
Do I really have to go do this whole bachelorette party?
Yes. My sister's gone all-out. You have to go.
Which is why I told them where to find you.
Whoo-hoo! Come on. What are you guys doing?
What is this? It's party time.
Check-in is at 3, and I want maximum pool time.
You just stop molesting my bro, okay?
Okay, coming.
Happy birthday, Cam.
See you later. Okay.
Hi. This is Rachel Worth.
I'm one of the women staying at your vacation rental.
There's a problem that I really need to talk to you about,
so if you get this message,
please call me back here at the house.
Thank you.
Okay, call me back.
Okay, bye.
Whoo-hoo!
This is the entertainment area.
Fire pit over there, trampoline.
We get to use that, right? Yeah, yeah.
You got a famous trampoline. If that trampoline could talk...
The Jacuzzi and the pool's temperature
you can adjust inside the house.
Daphne pees in the pool, just to let you know.
Is that going to be a problem?
I do not. Is there a pool boy?
There is a pool boy. Is he hot?
He is very good-looking. Women only.
The beach is a quarter mile that way.
And the bar's fully stocked with all the best liquor.
I, myself, don't drink, but I hear it's really good.
This is a great porn house.
Oh, you've shot here?
Anyway, that's about it.
So if you need anything else, call me on this number.
Thank you so much.
I'm going to get out of your hair now.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Now, exactly what might that be?
Oh, my God, I love her.
Congratulations on your nuptials.
Thank you so much. Enjoy, ladies.
Cheers to Rachel's marriage to Cam.
Whoo!
And good times. Good times.
Oh.
Rachel!
Kim, Daphne, come here!
What the fuck is it with her and trampolines?
Tramps love tramps, honey.
That's good. Right?
Yeah, score.
Thanks. Whoo-hoo!
So, are you nervous?
About tomorrow? No.
Are you kidding? I love that man.
I still don't understand why, of all the women in the world,
he chose me to settle down with.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
That was so much fun.
Well, I for one, will never allow myself to get tied down.
We all know you're the one that loves to do the tying down, sweetie.
I've seen your collection of whips and ball gags.
Bunnies and rabbits and stripper heels and tutus.
Tutus?
It's not like I was in a rush to get married,
but when I met Cam, I just knew.
Sorry.
I'll get something for that.
Is she going to be okay?
Yeah, she'll be fine.
It's ancient history.
Daphne? Yeah.
Daphne, come on, honey. Wake up.
Where's my hat?
You must've fallen asleep out here.
Daphne, come on, honey. Wake up.
What? Rachel!
Daphne, what happened last night?
I remember having drinks by the pool,
and then everything after that is a complete blank.
We had a pretty good time. That's what happened.
Do you know where Sharon and Kim are?
They're not in their rooms? No.
Okay, I need you to get up and come with me. Okay?
Nuh-uh. Daphne. Daphne!
Daphne! Up! Okay, I'm com--
Okay, I'm coming. Wow.
Come on. We'll get the hat. Whoa!
Come on. Come on. I have to show you something.
Not good.
Shh.
Oh, Jesus, what is he doing here?
Who is he?
The stripper.
Don't you remember?
I think he's dead. Yes.
Uh...
What did you do?
Did you two-- No!
Rachel.
I don't think so.
Gosh. Oh, boy, this is bad.
Look at the mark on his neck. Well...
It looks like he was strangled. Strangled?
Somebody came in here and killed him?
So you remember him showing up last night?
Of course I remember him.
He was a surprise, but you were already pretty wasted by then.
Hey, where you going so fast?
Come on. What's with the outfit?
I thought you were coming dressed as a policeman.
Yeah. The girls at the last party got a little too excited.
And by too excited, I meant they ripped my uniform
because they couldn't wait to suck my dick.
But I had to improvise.
I wonder what kind of damage we're gonna do to this uniform.
We should get started. I'm hourly.
I like the suspenders.
Yeah? They're stretchy.
Hey, girls!
You smell something burning?
The fire's over here, baby! Whoo!
Oh! Oh!
Who's that?
Oh! Who is that?
Who is this?
A spot for you right here.
Shoots on the rocks. Shoots on the rocks.
I don't have to.
Oh, pretty girls, take my clothes off.
Loosen up my buttons, baby. Whoo!
That's what I'm talking about.
There goes the suspenders. What's under here? I don't know.
It might be a dick!
Oh, it's a dick behind door one!
Oh, my.
Whoo!
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, my God!
Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
It's the teabag robot from the future.
Uh-oh. I'm from the future
to teabag the bachelorette.
Oh, my God!
Whoo! Yeah, it's the teabag robot!
Ah, yeah! Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh! Bite it!
Ohh! Yeah!
The fire is out! The fire is out! Whoo!
Yeah!
I-- I can't recall any of it.
What happened after he finished?
Nothing.
And I thought he left.
After the fight with Sharon...
All right, Rachel. Come on now, honey.
It's time for bed.
You can do it.
You seen my hat? It's a rental.
No, but I see a really hot ass I'd love to lose my face in.
Hey, you ever done it on a trampoline?
It's really awesome.
No, thanks. I'm not into cougars.
I'm only 32.
Yeah, but from here,
looks like it's time to learn the word "Botox."
You're a fucking asshole!
One dance.
Oh, you like that, huh? Come on. Get up here.
Get that hot ass up here.
Whoo!
All right. You're a saucy one.
Yeah, mmm.
Let me see that ass.
Let me see that cute ass.
Yeah. Oh, grind on it.
Feel that? Waking the monster.
I wanna have your mixed-raced baby.
Uh-uh. Come on now.
You are a fucking dick! I'd watch out for Sharon.
She caught her last boyfriend cheating, took a crowbar to his head.
Just now starting to remember his name. You're a fucking asshole!
If the dude's got no memory of dating that bitch, he's a lucky man.
Fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You don't think Sharon...
We all know what she's capable of.
Remember what she did to poor Jason?
Hey, hey, hey. Back with the coffee and scones.
Hangover cures for all.
Is that who I think it is?
He's dead, Kim.
What?
How?
We don't know.
We, did you call the police?
No, not yet.
Why? We have to call them right now!
No! Wait! Let's just take a beat.
What if they arrest us?
Nobody's going to get arrested.
I mean, look at him.
He probably pumped himself full of so many steroids
his heart finally gave out.
I don't think this is drug related.
Whoever killed him could've used this.
Jesus Christ!
I mean, how did he get here?
I don't know.
She can't remember if she had sex with him or not.
You had sex with this slime-bot?
No, no, I--
Would you stop saying that? Well...
I can't believe this. We really have to call the police.
Please, just wait!
Just give me a second to think.
God, it's my wedding day! What if Cam finds out?
It's not a question of if he finds out, darling.
He's going to find out.
Whose phone is this?
Mine. I've been looking for it everywhere.
What?
Yeah, who would've thought the little bride
would turn out to be such a little slut, huh?
Oh, God, no!
Yep, you fucked him.
What the fuck?
Where the hell is the coffeemaker?
I feel like they're doing that show Stomp inside my head.
Hey, Sharon, did you do it?
Do what?
The stripper.
No, I didn't do him,
not for lack of trying.
Hey, hey, hey.
Did you kill him?
Yeah. He's here.
He's pretty stiff,
and I'm not talking about his cock either.
What?
You think I did this?
Given your history, is it any surprise our minds went there?
Daphne heard you threaten to kill him last night.
I wasn't serious. Okay.
Jesus, guys, how could you think that I would do something like this?
Somebody strangled him and put him in Rachel's bed.
And you are the only one that had a problem with him.
So you found him here? In Rachel's bed?
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Yeah!
And obviously Rachel was the last one to see him alive.
I don't remember having sex with him.
And maybe I don't remember killing him either. No.
That's ridiculous. You couldn't hurt anyone.
But I could?
My own BFFs. Thanks for the support.
What about Daphne?
Me?
We all know that you're still in love with Cam
ever since you two hooked up at Burning Man.
I bet you would just love to spoil Rachel's big day.
By killing some innocent guy? Get real.
Daphne and I worked that out ages ago,
which is why she's one of my bridesmaids.
The past is the past.
Okay. We really should call the cops.
The longer that we wait, the worse that this is gonna look for us.
I mean, they can determine the time of death,
and they're gonna wonder, why did we wait so long?
I think we should get rid of the body.
Of course you do.
We could put it behind some bushes
at a deserted park or in a Dumpster in an alley.
We'll just say that he came, he did his thing and he left.
He could've been killed on his way home by a mugger or something.
No. We'll get caught.
Do you not watch CSI?
Which one?
Look, people that do stupid things-- they always get caught.
So, first, I was a killer, and now I'm stupid?
It's my wedding day. I don't wanna go to jail.
Maybe we should consider it.
You are all not thinking clearly.
Hello!
The owner.
Is anyone home?
She's coming in.
Stall her. We'll hide the body.
Ladies, are you in there?
Grab him in front. Don't touch him here.
Is everything all right in there?
Oh, yeah. We were just helping Rachel get ready.
You know how hard it is to squeeze a porker into her wedding dress.
She's a stress eater. She put on a few pounds in the last couple of days.
But anyways, we couldn't get the garbage disposal to work,
but we fixed it.
No. No, no, no. What? What? Come on! What?
I'm sorry. He has a boner or something. Come on!
So everything is fine. I'm sorry that you came over here
all the way for nothing. Is Rachel inside?
A boner? What-- Oh, oh, oh.
Are you okay?
Let's cover things up. Okay. My veil.
Yes, but, I...
I hope he doesn't see something he shouldn't.
Cam! What are you doing here?
You sounded worried earlier.
I wanted to make sure you weren't having pre-wedding jitters.
It took me six shots of espresso to sober up before I--
I'm gonna throw up.
No!
What the fuck is that?
I know.
We have to postpone the wedding.
No.
Cam, we have no choice.
We're doing it. Just as we planned.
Today.
Why?
Because I have to be married by the time I'm 30.
Sweetie, no, you don't.
When my grandmother died,
she left me a ten-million-dollar trust fund.
But there was a catch.
She stipulated that I have to be married by my 30th birthday
or I don't get the money.
Why would she do something like that?
Gram was around long enough to see me go through my...
wild period.
Let's just say she didn't exactly approve.
She wanted me to settle down and make something of myself,
which I did.
Just after she was gone.
But there's still that clause in the will that I need to adhere to.
Why didn't you tell me? I was going to. I just--
I didn't want you to think that I was marrying
you just so I can get my hands on the money.
I'm marrying you because I love you, Rachel.
Okay, that's really sweet, but what I wanna know is,
what happens to the money if you don't get married?
Kim.
Oh, my God. It was you.
You hired the stripper.
And you made my first drink.
You spiked it, which is why I was so out of it
and can't remember anything.
And someone would have had to record it.
You actually made moans
to make it look like it was actually happening,
like I was awake and I was enjoying it?
And you were going to e-mail that it to Cam
so he'd call off the wedding.
And you would be next in line for the trust fund.
Kim,
did you really murder this poor guy?
"Poor guy"? "Poor guy"?
Oh, come on, Cam. Get off your high fucking horse.
"Poor guy." He was just some sleazy stripper.
Anyways, it was his own fault.
No one was supposed to get hurt.
But the bastard got greedy.
That was shit. This is grade-A cock right here.
I'm a fucking pro, baby.
He demanded half of the money,
threatened to expose me to you and Rachel.
Five million dollars, and then that was it.
I think I deserve a tip on top of that. I don't think you do.
Sometimes it's nice to tip. We're talking five million dollars here.
I'm talking one million dollars more on top of that.
So I just agreed to shut him up.
But come on.
I wasn't just gonna hand over five million dollars
to some lame-ass cock-jock fireman.
So I made him the same special cocktail that I made Rachel,
and I kept him busy until it took effect.
Fuck, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
And I could handle
this problem once and for all.
But it turned out to be
a much better plan than I anticipated.
Because cheating is one thing,
but accidentally killing a trick
during a sex game gone wrong the night before your wedding--
Well, there's just no way
that Cam was ever gonna say "I do."
Not to her.
No wonder you wanted to call the cops.
You knew it looked bad for me.
I did what I had to do.
I mean, we're talking ten million dollars here.
It's not fair.
Okay, I was the good girl.
I went to Nana's house every Sunday.
I remembered her birthdays. He didn't.
I was the one that got straight A's.
I was the good girl.
But the bitch left it all to him.
Thought he could change.
But it wasn't the money that changed him, Rachel.
It was you.
Your little Frederick's of Hollywood number--
was it preshrunk?
No.
Worst maid of honor ever.
So I guess I won't be giving you my toast.
Kim, this is serious. You killed someone.
I know.
But I also know what kind of man you are, Cam,
and you'll spend most of that ten million dollars
on the best doctors and lawyers to get me off.
I'll see you again.
Soon.
Oh, and will you save me some cake?
You know how I love me some cake.
I'll come visit you.
I'll get you the cake.
No. No.
It's been said it's bad luck for a bride and groom
to see each other before the wedding.
Although, after the day they've had,
I don't blame Rachel or Cam
for throwing caution to the wind.
As for lessons learned,
it's an age-old question for women:
Do you marry for love or for money?
Luckily, though, for Rachel Worth,
today she doesn't have to choose.
Mahalo.
♪ You say you want to marry me ♪
♪ It's dark in here ♪
♪ I cannot find the light ♪
♪ You say, why don't we go outside? ♪
♪ We can wander around ♪
♪ We can stay up all night ♪
♪ I know I have to come around ♪
♪ If I want to find it ♪
♪ If I want to make it real ♪
♪ Oh, I might like that ♪
♪ Everything has lost its impact ♪
♪ Oh, I might like that ♪
♪ Everything has lost its impact ♪
♪ Oh, I might like that ♪
♪ Everything is lost ♪
♪ It gets away from me ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Kill, Ubu, kill.
Good fish.